The Story Behind My Divorce

I originally started blogging to share my feelings and experiences as a marine wife. I wrote two posts prior to this one about how I met my then husband and what I was experiencing through the first month of his deployment overseas. I deleted those posts because of the hurt and betrayal I felt when he told me he was filing for divorce. This post is a chronicle of our divorce, but it’s necessary to go back to the beginning of our marriage to understand the end.

Tyler and I officially began dating in November of 2017, but we had corresponded through text and FaceTime for several months while he was stationed stateside. We were in love and began planning our marriage during the Christmas holidays. The original plan was to get engaged in October 2018 when he returned from a 7-month deployment overseas, then get married the spring of 2019. In the middle of January, Tyler called me and said he wanted to get married before he deployed March 22. He explained once married his pay would increase and while deployed he would get additional pay and all tax free. He said we would be able to save a lot of money during deployment for when he returned to use toward a honeymoon since we didn't get one or a down payment on a house for whenever we moved off base. He continuously mentioned how much money "we" could save. He said his parents supported us and agreed that it was a good idea. Being in love and wanting to marry the love of my life, I said I was for it. My parents were hesitantly supportive, but recognized I was 23 and could make my own decisions. I flew to Arizona on February 22 and Tyler and I married on base the next day surrounded by several of his Marine friends. None of our family were present since it happened so quickly. I made one more trip to see him before he deployed on March 22. We agreed I would finish out the school year where I was presently teaching.

We had been married just short of three months when Tyler asked for a divorce. Throughout those three months I was on an emotional roller coaster. We argued like most couples do and Tyler assured me it was normal because all marines struggle in coping with marriage during deployment. I trusted Tyler loved me despite our different opinions and he always called or texted me when he had a chance. He told me he loved me, how much he missed me, and he constantly told me he couldn't wait to come home to start our lives together and one day start a family. Sometimes we argued about meaningless things, but we were also trying to make some big decisions which caused many major arguments. Although his parents wanted him to re-enlist, Tyler didn’t want to and I didn't want him to either. His contract is up February 2019. We were making decisions about where to live, what job he wanted, and how much we could afford for a house, etc. Tyler couldn’t make up his mind about the most important decision- employment. One day he wanted to be in law enforcement, the next conversation he wanted to go back to school and play college football because I went to college and play a sported and he had not had that experience. He totally surprised me the day he said he wanted to pursue country music, but then the very next day he wanted a career in petroleum engineering. While I supported his dreams, I explained he had a wife to think about now. Some of those aspirations may be difficult as a married man- he didn't like hearing that. When deciding where to live after he was discharged from the Marines it was Phoenix, then literally the next day it was move to Indiana, then it was move to Ohio where his best friend is from, then it was move back home to Georgia and live across the street from his parents, and then he cycled back to living in Phoenix. It was a constant change of mind with him of where to live. I didn’t want to move to Georgia because my convictions were that we live our lives away from both families for a few years. He would agree at first, then change his mind and tell me we were moving to Georgia and I didn’t have a say because that was what he wanted and it was the "best" option. So, as you can imagine, there were many arguments about our future.

We easily agreed that I should move to Arizona in July, live on base, and find a teaching position for the new school year. I accepted a job teaching a 1st grade classroom at a local school and was ready to start my life in Yuma. We would decide where to live when his service contract was up closer to that time.Tyler had bought a car in January and gave it to me when he deployed. In text messages he told me I deserved the car and knew when he bought it he would give it to me- he planned to get an older truck when he returned from overseas. I sold my 2001 Lexus and began driving my new 2018 Sonata. I began purchasing supplies for my new classroom and was living my dreams.

Tyler's mother handled his bills before we married because he wasn’t the best at budgeting his money. To his credit, very few young adults are good financial planners. I took over after he deployed using his paychecks for his bills and debt. I put our monthly housing allowance into our savings account. I never used his money for my needs. My income supported me, as well as items I purchased and mailed to Tyler for his personal needs. During his first two months of deployment, Tyler’s credit card was almost paid off and we had $2,805 in the savings account.

We had barely entered his third month of deployment when Tyler first used the “divorce” word. Saturday, May 5th he called me and said we needed to talk. He said he didn't think I was his person, we had rushed into marriage, and he thought it was a mistake. We talked about his feelings and he said he didn't mean it. Tyler was just really stressed and he told me he was sorry. Sunday, May 20th I awoke and sent his morning text, I received a very short good morning reply. He didn't call me baby so I knew something was wrong. I asked him what was wrong and tried to call him. He replied that he couldn't talk on the phone and his text messages contained the divorce word again. The day before we had FaceTimed, as we tried to do every day, and he was in high spirits. He talked of going on a cruise when he got back where we could enjoy time together. After the call he went to bed and I went to a friend’s wedding. I sent him silly pictures of me for him to wake up to before I went to bed. He messaged back I looked "hawt" and added a bunch of hearts. Everything seemed normal, so I was totally caught off guard by his mood change that next day. I woke up and sent the good morning text. His reply began the downward spiral of living happily ever after to sign on the dotted line. Tyler said he was unhappy and thought we were on two totally different paths and wanted different things. He felt he had forgotten about his dreams, what he wanted in life, to do what I want and that he "turned down a lot things.” He said it was taking a lot out of him and that it was a bad decision on our part getting married so early. He believed it was best to go our separate ways before things got too deep and we be unhappy for a long time. I didn’t agree at all, but once Tyler makes up his mind there is no changing it. He took all the money out of our joint accounts and said he would take care of the bills. He began arrangements to take back the car he had given me. He reasoned we could walk away with no hard feelings and he was doing what was best for us. (Little did I know at that time he was absolutely right.) After reading the messages I checked our bank accounts. He had moved our joint savings to an account unknown to me, he removed me as an administrator on Verizon, and on social media he deleted pics of me and changed his profile bio to single. 

I haven’t communicated with Tyler since that day. He not only blocked me on social media, but also my family and friends. His family either blocked me or unfriended me. He put $600 back into our joint savings and left the $215 balance in checking. I was served a dissolution of marriage petition on June 4. The petition stated I was employed as a teacher which I was not. I had canceled my contract with the school in Arizona since I would no longer be moving there. The petition stated he owned the Sonata and requested to it be awarded to him in the divorce. Not only had Tyler cost me my job, but now my transportation. My teaching position had ended May 26, so I had no source of income to purchase a car. I got in touch with his stateside command and explained everything that was happening. They were was very helpful and mandated Tyler pay $600 month until our divorce was final; however, $600 a month is not much to live on when you owe rent and utilities, and student loans repayment starting in July.

Things were happening so quickly and were so absolutely insane that I could not wrap my head around it. I could not afford an attorney, so my mom began researching how to file the response to the petition. Through her research she came across an article written in August 2017 titled "American Greed" written by CNBC. This article reported FBI investigations concerning military romance scams. The FBI reported in 2017 there were 15,000 romance scams involving military service members who professed their love and either married or formed a relationship with women to scam them for money. As much as I wanted to deny this- to deny the man I loved could ever do something like this because he loved me so much- the more I pondered indicators that maybe this happened to me. Despite his mother not wanting him to spend money on an expensive wedding ring, Tyler told me he ordered a “$2000” wedding set from Blue Nile. He told me his father and brother had purchased rings from that company. After wearing the rings just four days after we married, one of the diamonds fell out of the band. I told him and said I would call to handle it since he was busy with readying for deployment. He said no, he would handle it. He talked to customer service and told me I was getting the set he originally wanted that was out of stock for free and I could keep the original set. He sent me a screenshot of the engagement ring and I loved it. I didn't understand why a company would send a free set and let me keep the original, but I believed his story of “letting them have it” and the company wanted him to be a happy customer. I flew to Arizona a week before he deployed and got the new rings. When Tyler told me he was divorcing me, I knew I needed income until I found a job. I took the rings to get appraised and was told both sets were sterling silver and the stones were not diamonds. Still not wanting to face the truth, I called Blue Nile and found out there was no record of a Tomko, not even his father or brother, and neither his email address or phone number was in their customer system. I sent the screenshot Tyler has sent me to my sister and she noticed the font looked like Amazon’s. I typed the description in Amazon’s search bar and sure enough there was my ring for $40 from Palm Beach Jewelry. If a man had planned to spend the rest of his life with someone, wouldn’t he have invested in the real thing?

The realization of having made the biggest mistake of my life and the reality that life goes on brought me back to my senses. As a military wife I was entitled to free legal counsel, so I drove to Montgomery to meet with a judge advocate who helped me throughout the divorce settlement. I applied for every teaching position within a 30-mile radius of my hometown. The one thing I clung to throughout the divorce process was, and still is, my faith. My feelings told me God was as mad at me as I was at myself, but my faith reminded me of his mercy and love. I knew I had not messed up God’s plan for me. I closed my eyes each night trusting he would put me where he wanted me to be. That place is where I am presently teaching a 3rd grade class of students who show me unconditional love and remind me daily of why I chose to be a teacher. The road traveled the past 6 months hasn’t been easy, but it’s taught me how to cope with detours on the path of life and led me to a fresh start.